Pete, please: listen carefully. "Caroline Weber" does not exist.
The Onion article you attacked is not "her piece." It was written by a comedy writer. Who is not "Caroline Weber," has not just had an abortion, and is more than likely not even a woman.
It is truly stunning that you do not understand this. That you still do not understand this, even after being mocked mercilessly on the previous thread. Even after being told, repeatedly, to get a clue, you're still in dire need of one. Oof.
Everyone who read that article--including plenty of pro-lifers, to judge by the previous comment thread--realized that it was a gag. You were the single person--quite possibly on the planet--who did not. This is a very illuminating sign about your inability to tell the difference between reality and your own flights of fancy, Pete. You need help, buddy. And badly.
In the story you tell in this post, it appears that you've been taken in again--this time by a woman who clearly wanted to get a psycho anti-abortion zealot out of her face and who therefore decided to feed him a line of bullshit to see how much he'd accept. Her little plan appears to have worked far better than she could reasonably have expected.
The point of the Onion satire, of course, is that women who are "psyched" about having an abortion do not exist in the real world. The reason that piece is funny is because it shows the absurdity of the world you seriously believe you are living in. Everyone (even pro-lifers) recognizes how absurd the "Caroline Weber" caricature is. Everyone, that is, except for you.
Take. The. Hint. You're living in a whacked-out fantasy, Pete. For your own sake, please return to the real world.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Yes, the Onion article is a piece of satire. It satirises both sides of the abortion debate. I suspect that's why the Onion decided to included it in the list of articles from 1999 that they reckon are still funny today.
Needless to say, as a fake opinion piece, it's completely and utterly fictitious.
Still funny, though.
You seem to need words of one syllable:
There... is... no... Miss... Web-buh.
You really are a true voice of neo-conservatism and republicanism. Please continue, it can only help.
Pete, don't listen to these negative voices, keep posting, please keep posting now that you have an audience. You have so much to share with us all. And I personally believe that your second post on this article was at least as funny as the first. Give Miss Webber Hell!
I think you should feel very proud of yourself right now, Pete.
Bravo, a true champion!
Oh boy Pete.
Let me slow this down for you.
1) There is no Ms. Weber.
2) If you ever approached me and gave me that scenario about having my kid bitch at me and acted like as you say "a real pest" then I'd probably bend over and strangle the fucking thing too. or drown it in a lake.
Thanks, Roe v. Wade.
The way I look at it, you gotta get in as many abortions as possible before the bright thinkers of our time [such as yourself] have their way and tell women that they have no rights to their own bodies.
I'm definately going to bookmark your blog and probably link to your site. Have a fun day.
Love,
Me
Caroline Weber IS NOT REAL.
Thanks for upholding the rightwing nutjob stereotype so that we can keep laughing.
no amount of stammering is going to get you out of the enormous idiot hole you have dug for yourself. good thing the internet is anonymous because you'd have throngs of people driving past your house, pointing and laughing.
No, I'm sad to say, you didn't "turn" anything "right back at them". All you did was make an obvious attempt at Damage Control through some really lame spin doctoring. The best you can do now is apologize to your readers for your obtuseness and get on with new business.
By the way, although not quite as recent as Ms.Weber's article, you might want to check out "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift. Some one needs to get on a soapbox about this horrible pamphlet and I think you've proven you're just the person to do it.
Better luck next time.
You can not stand against the onslaught of the internet.
DUDE! CHECK IT OUT GOD GIVES A SHOUT OUT BACK TO ALL HIS HOMIES THAT KEPT IT REAL!
pete! one more thing, the people you rely on to criminalize abortion will never, ever go that far because they will be out of a job. you have been duped! figure out who the brownshirts are and read up on them because that is you.
to paraphrase lenny bruce:"men like you have thrived on the continuance of violence and disease, now all is pure, you're in the shithouse." wrap your head around that.
Pete, you are an idiot. What business does a man have telling a woman what she can do with her body? None. I know you have a canned answer for that question all ready to go, but just let it go just this once.
Jesus H. Fucking Sodapop Christ, man!
"This article is not for kids or the weak spirited."
Are you saying you're both these?
Any comments you would like to share with the world re this??
Thanks for sharing.. a great start to my day!
Jason
you are out of touch with illinois values. the onion article is fiction. and the people you met "in the field" are fictitious. your "experience" is totally irrelevant, as it is refracted through your warping, pro-life, white, hegemonic gaze.
you are a misogynistic pig who wants to control a woman's body. you are out of touch.
Thank You
ROFLMSO
You haven't given up yet? My my, you are braver than I am. If I had made a gaffe like that (unlikely, as my IQ is above 50), I'd never ventured online again. Unplugged my computer, just to make sure. It's a comforting thought that the pro-life movement consists of drooling halfwits like you.
hey petey, first, i doubt your so-called conversation took place. Secondly, the fact that you believed that is a remarkable badge of stupidity and i salute you. third, so that you know, i am telling all my friends, family, ANYONE i can about this in a hope to drive as much traffic as possible to see exactly how wacked out the pro-life extremists are and to see how wonderfully intelligent this "life-saving" group are....
geez...it's like the blind leading the blind...
Your pitiful attempt to save face has only proven to everyone that you truly are a mindless idiot, who lacks any capacity to reason, but rather parrots around insanely irrational talking points that only the fringe end of the spectrum could possibly agree with.
Fucking hell, you're a moron!
IN a mere few posts you will have supported the pro choice cause more then you know.. as more people red your drivel and go... "and thy want me to believe them... why?"
You expect ANYONE who has all their teeth andhas their family tree actually branch beleive a single work or "fact" you try and present again?
Oh please. keep it up...
Seriously however... listen Pete how on earth can we listen to anything you say in the future with the slightest bit of respect? You have managed to destroy all of your credability with a single post and a mouyse click. Isn't the WWW amazing!
If I were you id get a new hobby... or apply for a job at the Onion!
Wow...
I don't know what else to say. I mean, it's one thing to misinterpret Onion material as genuine reporting (the "liberal media" has been at it for years), but to follow up with what you wrote? I just... WOW.
Seriously, "Caroline Weber" is a pen name, a character. "She" doesn't exist, and never will.
The Onion is in the business of fake news. In other words, they take topics and twist them to such ludicrous degrees that they become funny and satirical.
The Onion is as real a newspaper as "The Colbert Report" is a real conservative's show.
I used to think that pro-lifers were just as intelligent and smart as me, just that we differed on this issue. The differences clearly go deeper than that.
You talk about how horrible it is to live in a world that tolerates abortion. When you take away the ability, the CHOICE, of a woman to have control over her own body (what's next, a man can't choose to get a vasectomy because that will kill potential fetuses in the future?), you know what slippery slope we'll be falling towards? Facism, where the few powerful people at the top of the governmental food chain will dictate everything a person does with their lives. Is that what you want? Do you really want to turn an American into the next Mussolini or Hitler? Cause that's what you're oppressive goals entail.
And don't forget, the Onion is fake news. Not real. As in: MADE UP!!!
Cheers!
"Either way, I think I did a good job of turning the “satire” right back at them, don’t you?" No. Not really. Right at this moment you are about 4 to 6 hours from being the laughingstock of the internet. There were these guys from New Jersey, called the Hotti Brothers, they were the laughingstocks of the internet for about .. 4, 5 months? Something like that. Page after page after page of it. Well, maybe next time you'll check your facts before you start getting your preach on. Enjoy.
You. Fail.
http://fuckingidiot.ytmnsfw.com/
asshat.
God speed, man.
You fail at the internet.
Short answer; no.
Long answer; no.
Dig up, stupid.
less babies is less choirboys. DO NOT KILL THE BABIES.
Pete, you make me wish that Hitler really did rule the world so that his genocidal rule would purge the gene pool of inbred simians such as yourself.
You didn't turn the satire anywhere, except up... on yourself.
Keep blogging. At this rate you're outdoing the Onion!
You didn't turn the satire anywhere, except up... on yourself.
Keep blogging. At this rate you're outdoing the Onion!
"A woman who likely supports the killing of a fully developed 9 month old baby so that the poor mother doesn't have to buy diapers, or live with the trauma of having to raise a child."
I love how anyone who isn't pro-life wants to kill all babies in your mind. No shades of gray, just whatever blacks and whites keep your worldview happy.
Just give up Pete. You'll only embarrass yourself more by continuing this discussion on The Onion promoting abortion.
I hate both extreme liberals and conservatives, but people like you are the reason I support the Democrats.
PS Bush was elected because I lost a poker game to Satan.
Firstly, you should never believe anything you read on the interweb without cross checking the evidence from at least 3 sources. If the internet told me water was wet I would be sceptical
Secondly ITS THE ONION! it's not real, it's made up, it's fiction. The article was probably written by some guy in his underwear while waiting for the pizza guy to show up to satiate his munchies
thirdly, you're a guy. Who the hell are you to be giving any kind of opinion on abortion? I'm a guy and I know enough to stay out of something that is clearly none of my business
seriously, give up on the internet, it's for the good of your own health
Excellent,
Pete, You are such a cliche that I start to doubt if you are not a fictitious character serving the pro-choice side.
...If not, it's time to start thinking out of the box,
- Ben"
scathing, mate, just scathing... 
Or at least stuffing the barrel of a shotgun in my mouth...
Though you're probably too dumb to co-ordinate either of these efforts...
Just stay inside till you die of starvation...
I'm sure the challenge of the door-knob will ensure that this happens anyway...
Err... did anyone notice that Petey here appears to be having some trouble with his dictionary? His definition of sacrasm reads:
“witty language used to convey insults or scorn; "he used sarcasm to upset his opponent"”
So, either he's afflicted with a dictionary that uses the WRONG WORD in its example sentences, or he looked up "sarcasm" instead of "satire".
There *is* a difference between the two... that's an apt definition of sarcasm, which is a rhetorical device. For example, if I were to say, "Dude, Pete, you're a genius," that would be sarcasm.
Satire, on the other hand, is a literary form. In its basest mode it is merely sarcastic, but if used with any artistry... Pete's commentary here would certainly qualify as satirical, were it not, bafflingly, serious. Yet it contains no sarcastic statements.
So, lay off the poor guy. He can't even work a dictionary. No wonder he can't interact with the real world, and needs to break it down into something simpler.
One more, with hammer if necessary to get through your thick skull.
There *is* no Caroline Weber. The article was a 7 year old piece of Satirical FICTION. You latched onto it as proof that women who have abortions are selfish and eeeeeevil. You used a sarcastic, satirical article as a source for your silly rant!
You screwed up. And instead of owning up to it, you stubbornly adhere to your post and the 'story' as if it's written in stone truth.
If you are a shining example of a Pro-lifer/Anti-choice, I think it's time to up the chlorine level in the genepool.
Thankyou for your words of comedy, well-timed to go with my midmorning coffee.
You, sir, are an idiot who preaches consideration of others (primarily the unborn). So, in the spirit of practicing consideration for those who think that 6.5 billion people is too many already, kindly save your rants until you have an appreciative audience. If that's only when you're alone in the smallest room in the house, so be it.
Now, back to my coffee.
Too late!
Hi. You can learn more about "The Onion" from the following articles
CNN:
http://www.cnn.com/2003/TECH/pte...site/
index.html
USA Today:
http://www.usatoday.com/tech/new...13-
theonion.htm
Financial Times:
http://specials.ft.com/ftit/
apri...T36M8JW0LC.html
Business Week:
http://www.businessweek.com/
tech...editorpicks.htm
(see Humor section under "Play" category)
I feel sorry that people are leaving nasty comments.. hope this experience will not boost your antagonism against pro-choice people.
Look, I feel sorry for you, I really do.
I'm not going to call you an idiot like so many other people have but...do you think maybe you should take the chance to learn from this?
The fact that you believed something that most people instantly recognized as a joke...don't you think maybe your views of pro-choicers might be a little skewed?
People hear what they want to hear, and see what they want to see. You're so against abortion, it sounds like your view of women who have abortions has become twisted. You let the woman you had that conversation with, who was most likely messing with you, actually FRIGHTEN you. You shouldn't be letting people do this to you.
Try letting go of your zealous opinions for a bit, and try looking at things from an objective view point every once in a while.
Grown women aren't going to stop having sex any more than teenage boys are going to stop jacking off to porn. Maybe instead of saying that it's all the woman's fault for getting knocked up when she had no access to reliable contraceptives, you should think about supporting the widespread availability of contraceptives so women don't get pregnant, and outlawing late pregnancy abortions while keeping abortions early in the pregnancy before the baby starts developing brain waves legal.
A lot more people would listen, and you would look a lot less...crazy
Abortion of the brain IMHO.
The nice thing is, he's making a fool of himself with English-speaking people all over the world.
Imagine this. It's like when you dream of being naked in public, except it's a hundred million person public, and it's ALL REAL!
Priceless.
Really, I wasn't going to comment on the other post. I figured, at 150 comments, you'd probably realized an embarrassing mistake and that there was no point in further clarifications.
Apparently, I was wrong, because instead of admiting, "Ok, I was fooled. Mea Culpa," and then getting on with your life, you've decided to make a half-hearted attempt at justifying your gaff! That story may have been touching. It may have been shocking. It isn't so when you're using it to rationalize/change-the-subject-from your own guliblity.
Rather than saying "Ok, haha. I get it know. 'Punked' or whatever," and then adding, "but back to the real issues, I believe in what I say," your post makes you look like a snarling attack hound. Rather than think about what just happened, or show any semblance of a thinking-human reaction, you lash out again. It's this kind of reaction that demeans what may be a valid point - on both sides of the issue.
So, to everyone, I say, "Learn to laugh at yourself. That way, you'll never cease to be amused."
oh, pete
You wanted your blog to be a platform for your views on abortion? Congratulations! You're famous now. I found your blog via reddit.com. You're well on the way to being the laughing stock of the English-speaking web.
"Anyway, I wrote the blog in a way that was meant to point out how psychotic the pro-abortion movement is."
Guess what?
You failed.
A shame.
If it makes you feel better, you do appear to have convinced some people just how psychotic a certain other group can be...
I was going to give it to Bush you beat him!
Seriously Pete- the most constructive thing you can do right now is conclude that you lack the necessary qualifications to hold an opinion on anything.
Move on. Do yourself a favour, do us a favour, do humanity a favour.
More please.
Pete, you're doing incredible amounts of damage to the pro-life movement. Please, for the sake of all those unborn children, get a clue.
Please.
This is the best blog of comedy writings I've seen in a while.
... wait... you're serious? Wow.
You're trying to point out how psychotic the "pro-abortion" movement is? (Bad choice of wording, it's "PRO-CHOICE," you fuckwit.)
If anything, I think you have demonstrated how psychotic the anti-abortion movement is (Oh...I'm sorry...should I have called it "pro-life?).
Congratulations. You are the world's biggest moron. Okay, maybe not. But you're second to George W. Bush. I salute you.
You're an idiot, you really are. Ever gotten pregnant? No? Oh so you've never had to choose between having somewhere to live and getting an abortion? No? Well that's too bad that you're speaking so passionately about something you've never experienced.
How about this. Round up all the men. Chop their dicks off. Then we'll be sure nobody will get pregnant!
Pete, you chose a great definition of "satire", right off Dictionary.com, but left out the most relevant part which just shy of references you. The full definition, as if written for you, reads:
satire
n : witty language used to convey insults or scorn; "he used sarcasm to upset his opponent"; "irony is wasted on the stupid"; "Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own"--Johathan Swift [syn: sarcasm, irony, caustic remark]
Source: WordNet ® 2.0, © 2003 Princeton University
Um. No, you didn't. You just furthered the impression that you're a fool. Keep up the good work.
At what point did you decide that talking to other people was an excursion into "the field".
Was it before or after you, a male, began asking strange women how they would feel if "a man comes up to you & rapes you viciously, cuts your throat & throws your lifeless body to the ground, only to walk away with a smile on his face...would that be okay with you?"
I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't engage you in an in depth discussion on social issues after that.
Pete- I've decided you like Miss Weber must be a satirical creation aiming to show how willing the pro-choicers are to believe in the stupidity of pro-lifers. Otherwise you are an absolute horror.
It's a conspiracy of the bright and educated, I tell ya!
Monty Stubble
My god, you are a stupid fuck.
Some people should really just be banned from the Internet.
Are you trying to turn yourself/organization into a walking joke?
The article is completely fake, the supposed, "author" of the article does not exist. Your article is getting pretty high up there on: http://www.digg.com (don't worry, its people laughing at you, not taking you serious).
Do you really want an honest answer?
You wouldn't recognize satire on ANY level. Now, go watch 'Life of Brian'.
I have to hold back not to include some petty insult. There is so much wrong in your articles, i can't even begin to point them out.
I have only one question; Who made you God?
I think we've possibly been had by Pete. Pete gets, on average, 2 site hits a month. And one is his mother. So, in order to boost his hits, he does the most assinine thing you could possible do on the internets, on purpose, cite "the Onion" as a reputable source on anything, hoping it will be trackbacked on bigger and better blogs and draw people to his worthless blog, and making him feel like a his blog life has meaning. It worked, bringing in many people and making his hit counter spin. It's so successful he does it again, pretending he actually believes that "Miss Weber" is an actual, living person and not a fictional charactor like Sherlock Holmes or Harry Potter. Well, Pete, congrats. You have increased your blogs visibility and put off for another day the day when you give up blogging altogether because you realise no one but your mother gives a rat's ass about your thoughts regarding abortion.
Alternatively, Pete is just an complete douchebag. I can go either way.
No, Pete, don't listen to these heathens! Their cries of foul are only reaffirmation that you're right! Your blog has had over 200 comments over the past couple of days, tons of people are reading you! You should double your efforts while you still have to spotlight!
Man, you're addicted to these apocalyptic images - and yet, there are people currently living on earth who need help - victims of Tsunamis, natural disasters, and so on. And you choose to obsess on babies being scooped out of wombs. Hmmmm... my advice is go and get some help - just cos there's a lot of others out there who share your passion, doesn't make it good for you psychologically.
No part of your posts were in any way satirical. A satire involves irony, wit and a presentation that prompts a double-take in order to truly get the joke. Read some more of the Onion and you'll start getting the gist of it.
All you've offered are knee-jerk reactions and uninsightful anecdotes. While I respect your ability to log in everyday and voice your concerns for a divisive issue, I would suggest that you:
1. Take a breath and consider all facets of a situation before you attempt to call someone or something out.
2. Please acquaint yourself with the concept and modern examples of satire, as the Onion and the over-the-top comments of the lady on the grass outside your rally have proven that you have the satirical consciousness of a brick wall.
Thank you and thank the 1st amendment.
Well, except that she doesn't exist.
I bet you're one of those people who think women ought to be barefoot and pregnant constantly, eh?
Maybe you should pull your head out of your ass and realize that the woman sounds like she was either trying to get a rouse out of you, or happened to be -stoned-.
Either way, fool's on you. Moron. Writing this response just screams 'Oops, I was an IDIOT and need to cover my ass. Let me think of an utterly LAME excuse and post it so that I can generate more traffic to my blog!!1!'
My sister is still alive because of one of those "abortion mills." She was legally married when she had sex, and found that she would not be able to carry a child to term. It was not a case of the child or the mother (though in that case I would have chosen my sister, kthnksbai). NEITHER of them would have survived much past 4-5 months along. And still she agonized over the decision, because although we both strongly support the pro-choice position, we are both keenly aware of the ramifications of what she would have been doing. I walked her into that clinic between lines of people shouting into her face that she was a slut, a baby-killer, a murderer, and although this happened in the early 90's her white face and her tears are still imprinted on my memory. How could anyone show such a lack of Christian charity toward her??? As we sat in the waiting room, I watched the faces of the women there for abortions. Not ONE of them was laughing or joking or taking what was happening less than seriously. Meanwhile, I would like to point out the fallacy of sex within marriage: her church-sanctioned marriage fell apart--the minute he found out she was pregnant, her husband abandoned and divorced her. (By the way, she does not have psychological trauma from the abortion. She regrets not having a child, but the knowledge that she would not have had a child anyway--that both would be dead now--is an irrefutable argument.)
I thank God for those "abortion mills" you decry. Without them, I would not have my sister. And please re-examine your implicit assumptions that sex outside of marriage = unsafe and bad and sex in marriage = safe and good, and that every child can safely be carried to term.
You had that conversation with the woman at the pickets and it didn't once occur to you that she'd simply decided she didn't like you (I mean really, by all means put up pickets but going over to people and challenging them on their beliefs when they're just trying to chill out is going to make them think you're a dick), and decided to fuck with you by replying in the most asinine way she could muster, given her apathy for the conversation in total.
Even after she said she'd happily watch a mother strangle her child, even after she said she'd be happy to be raped and murdered, you were still convinced she was being perfectly serious? It didn't at any point occur to you that she was mocking you?
You, my friend, are one of the most gullible, naive people I've ever come into (virtual) contact with.
Just admit that you fucked up and misread the original article. There is honor in admitting one's errors. There is no honor in the path you are trying to pursue now.
Pointed here from elesenet and I'm...boggled.
Dude, if the hole you dug yourself was any deeper, you'd be in freakin' China right now.
You are not just gullible, you are a liar. Please don't call yourself a Christian if you believe that your cause justifies lying.
This is the best publicity a dumb ass could get. I commend you.
Just for the record:
1. Abortion is not murder
2. Pro-choice is pro-life
3. People who call themselves "pro-life" are actually pro-criminalization.
4. You're an idiot.
All clear now?
Remember - Satire, right? Fox News *might* come calling, but that would be irony in terms of *my* satire! Post away, see if the masses can be convinced. Long Live Your Internet Fame!
(signed) marc
The thing that is most stunning about this post is ho wit illustrates a core principle of fundamentalist, dogmatic thinkers.
When you are wrong, just keep talking, preferably louder.
"Either way, I think I did a good job of turning the “satire” right back at them, don’t you?"
Hmmm...nope. You're still an idiot!
THANKS!
Keep up the good work, Pete. It's people like you that make the job of rational thinking easier.
It's important in our society for there to be a debate on all things, such that through reason and discourse we might advance ourselves for the good of all.
Abortion is a complex issue, and finding a path through it's difficulties requires compassion, intelligence, empathy and wisdom.
You however really are a fucking muppet. A clueless zombie of the highest order.
You've reinforced in many people's heads the belief that pro-lifers are brainless imbeciles with few if any of the above qualities.
Well done.
PS "Caroline Weber" isn't a real person.
PPS. Thanks for the best laugh I've had in ages.
YAAFM
hey pete,
Thanks on behalf of the Internet for all you do. I just wish I had the opportunity to talk to you in public like the baby-killing woman you accost^H^H^H attempted to bring to the light. The reason that people say stuff like that to you is that you are a nutbag. Much like fingerpainting and playing in mud, messing with the minds of nutbags can be fun. You are a very fun guy, Pete. Keep up the good work and God bless you!
here is an article about another woman you should pray for....oh yeah, she is real too..*wink**wink*
I Hope My Baby Doesn't Come Out All Fucked-Up And Shit
Those voices in your hear are not Jesus calling out to you.
However, I think you should listen to them and put your whole head in front of the shotgun.
Just don't take anyone else out on your way to meet your maker (Flying Spagetti Monster).
Come on Pete - what's with the sudden vow of silence? Puleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez post again - this is the best material I have ever read online. It's gold, I'm telling you. You're a freakin genius ya idiot.
Either way, I think I did a good job of turning the “satire” right back at them, don’t you?
No, I think you are kidding yourself. You've only stirred up more people to think you are foolish. You could have bowed out gracefully by admitting you didn't realize you were responding to a satitirical article, but instead you try to use these fictional quotes to prove your points. But maybe that's what you want, since I frequently find that pro-lifers' arguments try to get people so emotional that they can't think logically anymore.
Ms. Weber. Does. Not. Exist.
I believe you may quite possibly be the blogosphere's thickest resident.
wow. you're a complete sanctimonious idiot.
Even worse, you're all hardcore pro life, and you're not a woman. Do you have a vagina? Do you ever have to worry about carrying an unwanted parasite in your body for 9 months?
Stop fucking with the laws and keep your bullshit beliefs off my girlfriend's body.
You STILL don't get it, do you? Even after 200+ people told you what an idiot you are, you STILL think the piece was serious?
There IS NO Caroline Weber. It's a made-up name. It was probably written by some 20-something guy called Jeff or whatever. The whole reason it's funny is because you pro-lifers actually think that people who have abortions think like that. But it's so ridiculously over-the-top that nobody could really fall for it... except you.
Oh, my, god. What a complete and utter moron. Do you have to wear headphones telling you to take a breath every couple of seconds?
Pete! No worries! Fred Phelps still loves and you needs your guidance...
www.godhatesfags.com
A Modest Proposal For Preventing The Children of Poor People in Ireland From Being A Burden to Their Parents or Country, and For Making Them Beneficial to The Public.
-------------------------
It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great town or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors, crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags and importuning every passenger for an alms. These mothers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg sustenance for their helpless infants: who as they grow up either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native country to fight for the Pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to the Barbadoes.
I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these children sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.
But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the children of professed beggars; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants at a certain age who are born of parents in effect as little able to support them as those who demand our charity in the streets.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. It is true, a child just dropped from its dam may be supported by her milk for a solar year, with little other nourishment; at most not above the value of 2s., which the mother may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of begging; and it is exactly at one year old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of being a charge upon their parents or the parish, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall on the contrary contribute to the feeding, and partly to the clothing, of many thousands.
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children, alas! too frequent among us! sacrificing the poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid the expense than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.
The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand couple whose wives are breeders; from which number I subtract thirty thousand c
Pete, I'm calling you on it: you have to be baiting people for a reaction.
I have to hand it to you, it's a pretty clever attack on people who think that pro-lifers are ignorant dopes who believe everything they read on the internet. An Onion article real? Comedy Gold, my friend. No one could possibly be stupid enough to think that the Onion was a real news publication, but you have convinced the ignorant masses that you are, indeed, that stupid.
You, sir, are a genius. I look forward to your next hoax.
Thanks for lowering the bar.
The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand couple whose wives are breeders; from which number I subtract thirty thousand couples who are able to maintain their own children, although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present distresses of the kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain an hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand for those women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident or disease within the year. There only remains one hundred and twenty thousand children of poor parents annually born. The question therefore is, how this number shall be reared and provided for, which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture; we neither build houses (I mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing, till they arrive at six years old, except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time, they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers, as I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the county of Cavan, who protested to me that he never knew above one or two instances under the age of six, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.
I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a girl before twelve years old is no salable commodity; and even when they come to this age they will not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and half-a-crown at most on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to the parents or kingdom, the charge of nutriment and rags having been at least four times that value.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.
I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the hundred and twenty thousand children already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred thousand may, at a year old, be offered in the sale to the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.
I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just born will weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, increaseth to 28 pounds.
I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.
Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave author, an eminent French physician, that fish being a prolific diet, there are more children born in Roman Catholic countries about nine months after Lent than at any other season; therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the number of popish infants is at least three to one in this kingdom: and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the number of papists among us.
I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child (in which list I reckon all cottagers, laborers, and four-fifths of the farmers) to be about two shillings per annum, rags included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular friend or his own family to dine with him. Thus the squire will learn to be a good landlord, and grow popular among his tenants; the mother will have eight shillings net profit, and be fit for work till she produces another child.
Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of which artificially dressed will make admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.
As to our city of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this purpose in the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the children alive, and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.
A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said that many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their deer, he conceived that the want of venison might be well supplied by the bodies of young lads and maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age nor under twelve; so great a number of both sexes in every country being now ready to starve for want of work and service; and these to be disposed of by their parents, if alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. But with due deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the males, my American acquaintance assured me, from frequent experience, that their flesh was generally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys by continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable; and to fatten them would not answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think, with humble submission be a loss to the public, because they soon would become breeders themselves; and besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice (although indeed very unjustly), as a little bordering upon cruelty; which, I confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection against any project, however so well intended.
But in order to justify my friend, he confessed that this expedient was put into his head by the famous Psalmanazar, a native of the island Formosa, who came from thence to London above twenty years ago, and in conversation told my friend, that in his country when any young person happened to be put to death, the executioner sold the carcass to persons of quality as a prime dainty; and that in his time the body of a plump girl of fifteen, who was crucified for an attempt to poison the emperor, was sold to his imperial majesty's prime minister of state, and other great mandarins of the court, in joints from the gibbet, at four hundred crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if the same use were made of several plump young girls in this town, who without one single groat to their fortunes cannot stir abroad without a chair, and appear at playhouse and assemblies in foreign fineries which they never will pay for, the kingdom would not be the worse.
Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed, a
Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed, and I have been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken to ease the nation of so grievous an encumbrance. But I am not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known that they are every day dying and rotting by cold and famine, and filth and vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as to the young laborers, they are now in as hopeful a condition; they cannot get work, and consequently pine away for want of nourishment, to a degree that if at any time they are accidentally hired to common labor, they have not strength to perform it; and thus the country and themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come.
I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.
For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of papists, with whom we are yearly overrun, being the principal breeders of the nation as well as our most dangerous enemies; and who stay at home on purpose with a design to deliver the kingdom to the Pretender, hoping to take their advantage by the absence of so many good protestants, who have chosen rather to leave their country than stay at home and pay tithes against their conscience to an episcopal curate.
Secondly, The poorer tenants will have something valuable of their own, which by law may be made liable to distress and help to pay their landlord's rent, their corn and cattle being already seized, and money a thing unknown.
Thirdly, Whereas the maintenance of an hundred thousand children, from two years old and upward, cannot be computed at less than ten shillings a-piece per annum, the nation's stock will be thereby increased fifty thousand pounds per annum, beside the profit of a new dish introduced to the tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom who have any refinement in taste. And the money will circulate among ourselves, the goods being entirely of our own growth and manufacture.
Fourthly, The constant breeders, beside the gain of eight shillings sterling per annum by the sale of their children, will be rid of the charge of maintaining them after the first year.
Fifthly, This food would likewise bring great custom to taverns; where the vintners will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best receipts for dressing it to perfection, and consequently have their houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who justly value themselves upon their knowledge in good eating: and a skilful cook, who understands how to oblige his guests, will contrive to make it as expensive as they please.
Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to marriage, which all wise nations have either encouraged by rewards or enforced by laws and penalties. It would increase the care and tende
Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to marriage, which all wise nations have either encouraged by rewards or enforced by laws and penalties. It would increase the care and tenderness of mothers toward their children, when they were sure of a settlement for life to the poor babes, provided in some sort by the public, to their annual profit instead of expense. We should see an honest emulation among the married women, which of them could bring the fattest child to the market. Men would become as fond of their wives during the time of their pregnancy as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in calf, their sows when they are ready to farrow; nor offer to beat or kick them (as is too frequent a practice) for fear of a miscarriage.
Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the addition of some thousand carcasses in our exportation of barreled beef, the propagation of swine's flesh, and improvement in the art of making good bacon, so much wanted among us by the great destruction of pigs, too frequent at our tables; which are no way comparable in taste or magnificence to a well-grown, fat, yearling child, which roasted whole will make a considerable figure at a lord mayor's feast or any other public entertainment. But this and many others I omit, being studious of brevity.
Supposing that one thousand families in this city, would be constant customers for infants flesh, besides others who might have it at merry meetings, particularly at weddings and christenings, I compute that Dublin would take off annually about twenty thousand carcasses; and the rest of the kingdom (where probably they will be sold somewhat cheaper) the remaining eighty thousand.
GENIUS.
We are all idiots for believing that religious crazies actually would believe an onion piece so ridiculous, could be real.
I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be urged, that the number of people will be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, and 'twas indeed one principal design in offering it to the world. I desire the reader will observe, that I calculate my remedy for this one individual Kingdom of Ireland, and for no other that ever was, is, or, I think, ever can be upon Earth. Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients: Of taxing our absentees at five shillings a pound: Of using neither cloaths, nor houshold furniture, except what is of our own growth and manufacture: Of utterly rejecting the materials and instruments that promote foreign luxury: Of curing the expensiveness of pride, vanity, idleness, and gaming in our women: Of introducing a vein of parsimony, prudence and temperance: Of learning to love our country, wherein we differ even from Laplanders, and the inhabitants of Topinamboo: Of quitting our animosities and factions, nor acting any longer like the Jews, who were murdering one another at the very moment their city was taken: Of being a little cautious not to sell our country and consciences for nothing: Of teaching landlords to have at least one degree of mercy towards their tenants. Lastly, of putting a spirit of honesty, industry, and skill into our shop-keepers, who, if a resolution could now be taken to buy only our native goods, would immediately unite to cheat and exact upon us in the price, the measure, and the goodness, nor could ever yet be brought to make one fair proposal of just dealing, though often and earnestly invited to it.
Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a doornail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a doornail.
Scrooge knew he was dead? Of course he did. How could it be otherwise? Scrooge and he were partners for I don't know how many years. Scrooge was his sole executor, his sole administrator, his sole assign, his sole residuary legatee, his sole friend, and sole mourner. And even Scrooge was not so dreadfully cut up by the sad event, but that he was an excellent man of business on the very day of the funeral, and solemnized it with an undoubted bargain.
The mention of Marley's funeral brings me back to the point I started from. There is no doubt that Marley was dead. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate. If we were not perfectly convinced that Hamlet's Father died before the play began, there would be nothing more remarkable in his taking a stroll at night, in an easterly wind, upon his own ramparts, than there would be in any other middle-aged gentleman rashly turning out after dark in a breezy spot-say Saint Paul's Churchyard for instance-literally to astonish his son's weak mind.
Scrooge never painted out Old Marley's name. There it stood, years afterwards, above the ware house door: Scrooge and Marley. The firm was known as Scrooge and Marley. Sometimes people new to the business called Scrooge Scrooge, and sometimes Marley, but he answered to both names. It was all the same to him.
Oh! But he was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge! a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous old sinner! Hard and sharp as flint, from which no steel had ever struck out generous fire; secret, and self-contained, and solitary as an oyster. The cold within him froze his old features, nipped his pointed nose, shriveled his cheek, stiffened his gait, made his eyes red, his thin lips blue, and spoke out shrewdly in his grating voice. A frosty rime was on his head, and on his eyebrows, and his wiry chin. He carried his own low temperature always about with him; he iced his office in the dog days; and didn't thaw it one degree at Christmas.
External heat and cold had little influence on Scrooge. No warmth could warm, nor wintry weather chill him. No wind that blew was bitterer than he; no falling snow was more in
Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients, 'till he hath at least some glympse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.
But, as to my self, having been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which, as it is wholly new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expence and little trouble, full in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging England. For this kind of commodity will not bear exportation, and flesh being of too tender a consistence, to admit a long continuance in salt, although perhaps I could name a country, which would be glad to eat up our whole nation without it.
After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. But before something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points. First, as things now stand, how they will be able to find food and raiment for an hundred thousand useless mouths and backs. And secondly, there being a round million of creatures in human figure throughout this kingdom, whose whole subsistence put into a common stock would leave them in debt two millions of pounds sterling, adding those who are beggars by profession to the bulk of farmers, cottagers, and laborers, with their wives and children who are beggars in effect: I desire those politicians who dislike my overture, and may perhaps be so bold as to attempt an answer, that they will first ask the parents of these mortals, whether they would not at this day think it a great happiness to have been sold for food, at a year old in the manner I prescribe, and thereby have avoided such a perpetual scene of misfortunes as they have since gone through by the oppression of landlords, the impossibility of paying rent without money or trade, the want of common sustenance, with neither house nor clothes to cover them from the inclemencies of the weather, and the most inevitable prospect of entailing the like or greater miseries upon their breed for ever.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I have no children by which I can propose to get a single penny; the youngest being nine years old, and my wife past child-bearing.
The End
Give it up now before you make a complete, total and utter fool of yourself. As opposed to just a complete and total one.
Another article from the Onion, you thick-fuck:
http://www.theonion.com/content/...28&special=2002
------------------------
Titled: Just Wait 'Til I Get These Fucking Rubber Bands Off
By: Freddie The Lobster
------------------------
Treats of the place where Oliver Twist was Born; and of the Circumstances attending his Birth.
Among other public buildings in a certain town, which for many reasons it will be prudent to refrain from mentioning, and to which I will assign no fictitious name, there is one anciently common to most towns, great or small: to wit, a workhouse; and in this workhouse was born: on a day and date which I need not trouble myself to repeat, inasmuch as it can be of no possible consequence to the reader, in this stage of the business at all events: the item of mortality whose name is prefixed to the head of this chapter.
For a long time after it was ushered into this world of sorrow and trouble, by the parish surgeon, it remained a matter of considerable doubt whether the child would survive to bear any name at all; in which case it is somewhat more than probable that these memoirs would never have appeared; or, if they had, that being comprised within a couple of pages, they would have possessed the inestimable merit of being the most concise and faithful specimen of biography, extant in the literature of any age or country.
Although I am not disposed to maintain that the being born in a workhouse, is in itself the most fortunate and enviable circumstance that can possibly befal a human being, I do mean to say that in this particular instance, it was the best thing for Oliver Twist that could by possibility have occurred. The fact is, that there was considerable difficulty in inducing Oliver to take upon himself the office of respiration,-a troublesome practice, but one which custom has rendered necessary to our easy existence; and for some time he lay gasping on a little flock mattress, rather unequally poised between this world and the next: the balance being decidedly in favour of the latter. Now, if, during this brief period, Oliver had been surrounded by careful grandmothers, anxious aunts, experienced nurses, and doctors of profound wisdom, he would most inevitably and indubitably have been killed in no time. There being nobody by, however, but a pauper old woman, who was rendered rather misty by an unwonted allowance of beer; and a parish surgeon who did such matters by contract; Oliver and Nature fought out the point between them. The result was, that, after a few struggles, Oliver breathed, sneezed, and proceeded to advertise to the inmates of the workhouse the fact of a new burden having been imposed upon the parish, by setting up as loud a cry as could reasonably have been expected from a male infant who had not been possessed of that very useful appendage, a voice, for a much longer space of time than three minutes and a quarter.
As Oliver gave this first proof of the free and proper action of his lungs, the patchwork coverlet which was carelessly flung over the iron bedstead, rustled; the pale face of a young woman was raised feebly from the pillow; and a faint voice imperfectly articulated the words, "Let me see the
Hmm...
It seems that you *are* a dolt.
The surgeon had been sitting with his face turned towards the fire: giving the palms of his hands, a warm and a rub alternately. As the young woman spoke, he rose, and advancing to the bed's head, said, with more kindness than might have been expected of him:
"Oh, you must not talk about dying yet."
"Lor bless her dear heart, no!" interposed the nurse, hastily depositing in her pocket a green glass bottle, the contents of which she had been tasting in a corner with evident satisfaction. "Lor bless her dear heart, when she has lived as long as I have, sir, and had thirteen children of her own, and all on 'em dead except two, and them in the wurkus with me, she'll know better than to take on in that way, bless her dear heart! Think what it is to be a mother, there's a dear young lamb, do."
Apparently this consolatory perspective of a mother's prospects, failed in producing its due effect. The patient shook her head, and stretched out her hand towards the child.
The surgeon deposited it in her arms. She imprinted her cold white lips passionately on its forehead; passed her hands over her face; gazed wildly round; shuddered; fell back-and died. They chafed her breast, hands, and temples; but the blood had stopped for ever. They talked of hope and comfort. They had been strangers too long.
"It's all over, Mrs. Thingummy!" said the surgeon at last.
"Ah, poor dear, so it is!" said the nurse, picking up the cork of the green bottle which had fallen out on the pillow as she stooped to take up the child. "Poor dear!"
"You needn't mind sending up to me, if the child cries, nurse," said the surgeon, putting on his gloves with great deliberation. "It's very likely it will be troublesome. Give it a little gruel7 if it is." He put on his hat, and, pausing by the bed-side on his way to the door, added "She was a good-looking girl, too; where did she come from?"
"She was brought here last night," replied the old woman, "by the overseer's order. She was found lying in the street. She had walked some distance, for her shoes were worn to pieces; but where she came from, or where she was going to, nobody knows."
What a way to start my day! Tears rolling down my face, had to go pee I was laughing so hard!
Dude, please keep up the fabulous comedy writing. Perhaps you should contact The Onion to be on their staff. Your shit is way funnier than anything I've ever read on The Onion!
Seriously though...you are digging yourself in deeper. Step up to the plate, admit you made a mistake and suck it up. You are only making yourself look stupider and stupider and you are proving the hypothesis that you pro-lifers are a bunch of batshit crazy lunatics.
On a serious side note...you people are so Jesus Christ on a Chariot jumped up about your beliefs--why don't y'all put your money where your mouth is? Since you think there should be no abortions, are you willing to pay for the medical care and support these babies that you insist should be brought into the world regardless of how their life is going to be? You gonna be there in the delivery room to offer support and a helping hand? You gonna yank out your checkbook and help put clothes on these kids' backs? You gonna be there to babysit when the mother has to go work at her minimum wage job to support the kid that YOU insisted be brought into the world?
No? I didn't think so. Until you are ready to do those things, shut the fuck up about your insane ravings. You, sir, are a lunatic of the highest order and your mother should have drowned you at birth.
Abortion mill? Where's the wheel?
That girl that kept telling you "might be" sounded like she thought you were a dumbass and hoped that if she gave you vague answers that you'd get the hint and leave her alone.
Here's a clue: religious extremism is all the same: there are plenty of christian terrorists out there, in fact, you're more likely to be blown up by one of them than any other extremist!
Guess what! You're one of them, and that makes you as despicable as the rest!
Asshat.
Though I'm prepared to look stupid if you are, in fact, taking the piss and I haven't spotted the subtle clues.
All this bitchin about killin "babies" from someone who's signature is "United we stand - Divided they die - Pass it on" Jesus would be proud, he was all for killing those who disagreed with him... oh... wait...
No.
